I found that picture you see up there while searching for something on Google. It’s pretty scary how accurate it is for me.
At 14 I was more then half way through high school. (I graduated at age 15.) I didn’t like any one. My Mom was so annoying it wasn’t funny. Especially after she cut up my white shoes. I was already swearing if I ever had kids I would never be like my Mom or treat my kids like my parents treated me. Because you know, I was absolutely tortured. Bedtimes, curfews, rules, chores, punishments – you know, all that totally unreasonable stuff.
At age 18 I was pretty sure I couldn’t stand her. Make no mistake, I was pretty sure I couldn’t stand my Dad either, I was an equal opportunity bitch. I knew everything. I was sure that my parents were quite unreasonable and that the grass was, of course, better on the other side. On my 18th birthday, and I mean literally as in right after midnight, I moved out. It was quite unceremonious. I was quite unprepared. It was without a doubt one of the five biggest mistakes that I’ve made in my life.
Even after I moved out and turned into a complete raving bitch (I was only a junior bitch before that), my parents never gave up on me. I did things that I know embarrassed my parents. I didn’t care. They always did what they felt was right, and what they felt was in my best interest. My Mom always did what was right. Not what was easy, not what was convenient. Not what was popular.
I know for a fact that there were times that my parents blamed themselves for my bad decisions. I know this because they told me so. I assured them then, and later in life, that my bad choices in behavior weren’t their fault and they needn’t take them personally. They told me they did because that’s just how it was.
I started to figured out Mom was right before I turned 25, thankfully. I didn’t fully get it until after I became a mother in 1995 at near age 30. I’d already been apologizing for several years. I’m still apologizing. I doubt I’ll ever be able to apologize enough. Onward.
Some time after I became a parent my Dad, husband and two brothers would tell me I was just like my Mom. For a few years I was in denial. I didn’t want to sound like her. After all, I was different then she was. Then one day, I heard her voice come out of my head and I knew they were right. That stung a bit but I got used to it. It didn’t take long for me to realize that if I had to be like anyone, why not be like my Mom.
I’m not all that far from 50 now. I’m 47. My Mom just passed 70. She’s still looking pretty good for an old bird, and gets around pretty well. I don’t want to lose my Mom. Not now, not soon, not at all. I’ve told her, and my Dad, that they’re not permitted to die. But that isn’t the point here today.
In two weeks my oldest will be 18. Sometimes I call him the man-child. He isn’t really either a child or a man at this point. I’m not going to sugar coat it, things haven’t been going as well as I’d like lately. Or as well I’d hoped. Some days all I can do is just cry because I feel like I’ve failed. At some point I realized that this is how my Mom must have felt all those years ago. When I started realizing this is how she must have felt back then, I realized how much it must have hurt her. And that’s when I realized I am a coward and didn’t want to feel that way. In other words, I decided that day that I didn’t want to be like my Mom.
I’ve realized that this is like a long car ride. There have been some bumps over the past year or two. And then a few more as my son’s birthday started nearing. And I have a feeling we’re going to hit at least a few more. As my Mom did, I am taking many things personally. I feel like we’re almost at that point when the car is nearing the top of a huge hill and you’re just not sure if the car is going to make it all the way up or if will stall. And then I realized I hope I can hold on like my Mom and be as strong as she was if the car does in fact stall. And should the car make it to the top of the hill without stalling, will we see a fun downhill on the other side, or will it be yet another incline. Basically, in the end, I hope I am just like my Mom.
Mom (who reads my blog every day), I love you. I’m sorry, there aren’t enough apologies. I hope that I have half of your strength and patience if the time comes that I need it. Being 15 and living at home with you and Dad sure looks good right about now. And once again, you were right. You can’t help but take it personally.
PS. For the record. I adore my Dad and much of the above applies to him as well. It’s just slightly different. A horse of a different color, as it were. Maybe we’ll trot that one out another time. One thing at a time right now.
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I totally understand this post and our lives have a lot of similarities. Thank you for sharing and big giant hugs for those bumps happening, we are there right now too with my 18 year old.
They grow up entirely too quickly! I always say if I do half of what my mom did I know I’m doing it right!
Great post. My daughter is only 8 right now, but having a child totally makes me see my mom in a whole new light.
This brought tears to my eyes, I think because I have a son (8 year old) who is exactly like me and every time he does something that drives me crazy. My mom will point out how he is exactly like me and that gets on my nerves even more so. lol But I know one day I will miss her pointing out those things and miss how she drives me crazy sometimes and miss her calls every. single. day. There is no one in the world that will love me as much as my mom does and I know that because there is no one in the world that loves my kids as much as I do.
They do grow fast don’t they? My youngest is 14, so empty nest isn’t that far off for me
i think it’s normal to experience and have the ups and downs with your mom. my mom and i never got along until i was pregnant with my oldest. NEVER got along. and we had 5 wonderful years of closeness before she died. i’ll be forever thankful for those years but i still get so sad, even right this moment, that we didn’t get more.
so val’s mom, if you read comments too, since i can’t thank my own mom – thank you for always believing in doing what’s right for your child and not giving up on her. we kids may take a really long time to realize things but we usually will.
Kids grow up so fast, don’t they??? And on the other hand, I’m sure my parents feel the same about me.
You just made me cry again. Thank you for those tears of joy. Thank you for the kind things you said about me. Know that you have been the best mother you could be–best daughter too. Actions do speak louder than words.
Oh, I certainly remember knowing every single thing when I turned 18. I too moved out and lived with my friend, which at first was fun and then it came time to pay bills, lol. My parents have always been there for me as well. My oldest is 8, I don’t know what these next 10 years is going to be like until she turns 18, but I know for sure I’ll be there just as my parents were for me.
Every time I get stressed with the challenges of parenting I think of my mom and all that she sacrificed for us, all the sleepless nights she spent worrying and the many tears shed. I always knew she was a good mom but since I’ve become a mother I truly understand and appreciate all that she really did for us. Mom are amazing people.
This was an interesting post. I am going through various stages now with my children trying to enjoy the current stage, while looking forward to the next.
I was not that typical teenager my mom was so cool I probably had more of a smart mouth but so did my mom so deep down I was actually her. I left home at 18 to start a journey and didn’t go back like I should or checked on my mom like I should have and now she has passed and I regret it but I know she is in a better place. Thank you for sharing
I can definitely relate. I’ve got 2 at home, one a teen who knows it all and one a tween.
I’ve been apologizing to my parents for awhile now.My oldest is 13. I have a feeling that I will be apologizing for many more things in years to come.
It’s pretty funny how much we start looking to our own parents when trying to do the best by our kids. It sounds like you’re a great mom. Just caring is the first step. 🙂
I was a completely rotten teenager and I apologize for it to my parents regularly. Now my kids are 16 and 20. The 16 year old is God’s payback for how rotten I was as a teenager 🙂
I can relate a little, my grandmother raised us (11 kids) and we did give her a bit of trouble as we got older.
I can relate to this post. Thanks for sharing and so many big, virtual hugs to you for opening up!
Family relationships can be tough! I am lucky in that I have always got along with my parents very well and I hope that I can mirror that in the future when I have children of my own.
Aww, ya, I apologize all the time, you realize how bad you were once you grow up.
This is so true! My daughter is nine right now and I know she will hate me in a couple years! I want to freeze her now!
I call my son a manchild too, but he’s pretty much just the man at this point. I always grimaced when people told me I was like my mom too. She’s cool now, but she wasn’t before. Let’s home they’re talking the new mom. 🙂
I feel pretty lucky that I’ve had very little problems with my kids. I should probably knock on wood or a whole dang tree at this point.
Hugs for telling your story! I want to freeze time right now because we are so close, but I know that could change.
LOVE this, so so true! Thanks for sharing!
I think every teenage girl swears they will never be like their mother. Although I’m not a mom, I have worked as a nanny and “parented” a you teenager through some crazy stuff. More than once I opened my mouth, only to have “my mother fall out” (thats what I call it lol) its interesting how that happens isn’t it? 🙂
We are only in the first phase right now and I am dreading when my kids turn 14. 🙁
I hope it all goes well for you. 🙂
My son and I are at the ‘Mom you were right’ stage right now. I love it!
Loved this post, thanks for sharing. I have a manchild as well. My oldest is only 16 but wrapping up his first semester of nursing school. It is a strange feeling. Great tribute to your mom, tears were flowing.
The worst part is watching all of this unfolding on our side as the “Parent.” When they hit our age, how will they respond to us re their earlier behavior, which we are in the thick of now?
Hugs. I feel your concern. My stepdaughter isn’t making all the decisions we’d like and I’m wondering if we failed her? My husband is sure we did our best but I wonder if she’ll ever come around.
Oh, I remember these days. As a 13-15 year old, I am sure I was Hell to deal with. I didn’t really talk to my parents, stomped around most times and I am sure couldn’t stand them as they couldnt stand me. I remember once my parent’s told me that they loved me but didnt have to like me. WOW, that has really stuck with me. Remember it’s all just a phase of growing up and I am sure you are a wonderful parent. Stay positive and remember to give your son space.
Oh how I can relate on so many levels! Born and raised in Nj as well, moved out at age 19 (bad idea), had 2 kids before I married (1st time). Quickly followed ny another child, then equally quickly followed by separation.
Luckily I’m remarried with 5 children total, youngest just turned 18.
I think I became my mother around age 25 or so, I’m so very happy to carry on her traditions, and her recipes.
Mom is cUrrently in a physical rehab recovering from knee surgery.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from her, is that I need to start taking better care of myself early on!
Love you mom!
Oh I relate to this so much. It’s good to apologize but also give yourself a break. We were all stupid kids and we spend the rest of our lives trying to make up and get over our teenage years.