I got the Lap band put in 2009. I’d had it in place for five years and had pretty much always maintained or lost weight since getting the Lap band back in 2009. Prior to surgery I weighed 374 pounds. My lowest weight after getting the Lap band was 149. But to be fair I must note I was very sick at that point and required lung surgery. My lowest weight when I was healthy was about 200 pounds. 200 pounds was always one of my goal weights and I was very happy to reach it. I felt good at 200 pounds. I looked good at 200 pounds. I was happy. I felt alive!
In the second half of 2014 I started gaining weight. I knew that something wasn’t right. I know Dr Hottie was very conservative with my fills, as he had been since my lung surgery in 2012. But I also knew I should not be putting on the weight I was. He monitored for two visits then on the third decided that since I was still gaining he’d do my fill under flouroscopy. That’s where you drink this liquid while under xray and they can follow the liquid and see how it travels and where it goes. It was during that test that we all learned that my Lap band had eroded into my stomach and wasn’t working.
And so, just like that, I had to have my Lap band removed. I was admitted through the ER in early December. What should have been a same day procedure turned into a five day hospital stay. My new bariatric surgeon (yes someone besides Dr Hottie did the surgery) told me I couldn’t have another Lap band because of what had happened, and that he’d recommend a gastric sleeve. This did not make me happy. I had chosen the Lap band all those years ago because it doesn’t alter your body. No cutting. Nothing permanent. And the weight I lost is proof that it worked.
After I was released from the hospital from the Lap band removal I still didn’t feel right and asked my pulmonologist (lung doctor) to bring me in a few months early for a check up. He did. Upon examination he became concerned that I had a blood clot in my lung. That was a nice treat the week before Christmas. I was in the lot buying our tree when I he called me on my cell demanding I return to the hospital that day for testing and possible admittance. I told him I needed to get the tree home for my family. Damn it if I was going to die they needed a tree. And it had to be a live tree, because I hate that artificial Charlie Brown thing the hubby bought years ago and refuse to have it up. In the end it turned out I did not have a clot. But I did have a crap load of fluid in there that didn’t belong. The doc said he’d give it until after Christmas to improve or he’d have to drain it. On the day after Christmas, instead of hunting down half priced candy, I went to the lung hospital for another checkup. He said the amount of fluid had markedly decreased and he was pleased. Personally, I think the doctor’s threat of a thoracotomy was enough to scare it out.
So basically, the entire month of December was not a good time. But then, many of the surgeries I have had have not been a good time for me. My hysterectomy back in 2007 was hell. I didn’t heal well due to my weight and had to have a wound vac afterwards. If you don’t know what a wound vac is, well let’s say that I hope you never find out. Being on one is so horrific that I’m fairly sure it’s punishment for sins committed in a past life. My lung surgery back in 2012 was a different type of hell. It made my hysterectomy look like a walk in the park. My life has never been the same since lung surgery.
So back to the removal of the Lap band, and my point. Within one week after having the band removed my appetite had returned. And it returned with a vengeance. It was like that commercial “and she tells two friends, and she tells two friends, and so on and so on.” I am gaining weight rapidly. As of this morning I am up to 285 pounds. There’s no curbing this hunger. It’s depressing. It consumes my mind, sometimes to the point where I can’t focus on anything else. Sometimes I get so depressed that I sit and cry. Sometimes I eat. Sometimes I cry while I eat. Once again I am unhappy.
I have always said I got Lap band because I never wanted to be morbidly obese again. I swore I’d never be as heavy as I was again. And yet I am headed that way. I hate the way I am starting to look and I already feel myself hesitating from being in photographs. My clothes don’t fit anymore. And yes, I had gotten rid of my fat clothes. Physically I feel like shit. My skin and bones hurt. My breathing, not the best since lung surgery, is being impacted even more than usual. I feel very ounce that has returned and how awful it makes me feel. And I know I have to do something. So I did a lot of thinking and have decided to move forward with getting the gastric sleeve.
Every member of my family feels I am making the wrong choice, based upon my history. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate their concern. While the thought of having another surgery (particularly an abdominal one) scares the crap out of me, getting all of the complications that can come with morbid obesity and dying scares me more. I know that nothing will improve if I don’t do something.
I see the bariatric surgeon (the new one, I haven’t thought of a nifty nickname for him yet but can tell you that I like him, probably more then I did Dr Hottie) this week to discuss getting things moving. For me it is very much an uncharted and untraveled road. I have never freely chosen to have surgery where my body would be modified in any way. I personally feel if I don’t take this untraveled road then I will end up on a road I know too well, the road to morbid obesity and all that comes with it.
I heard a new song from the Christian rock band Thousand Foot Krutch. The song is called “Untraveled Road.” I heard an interview with one of the band members on satellite radio. As he described the meaning of the song it really spoke to me, and the way I view my current situation. He described the song as being about being faced with two roads, and choosing to take the road that you have no idea where it will bring you but you need to go there.
…it’s one belief, one spark,
one faith and one restart
And we can reboot the whole chart
before it all falls apart
We walk where noone wants to go
on this untraveled road…
And here’s the video for the song if you’re interested in hearing the whole thing.
So some of you may be wondering why I am writing this. I started this blog years ago in order to share parts of my personal life with people that lived far away. It’s evolved and has provided me with many wonderful opportunities since that I am very grateful for. I promised myself I was going to write more personal posts this year. When reflecting about whether or not to write about some of the things that have happened to me since having the Lap band a blogger friend of mine Robyn reminded me that in the end this is my story and my blog. And maybe there will be one person out there who finds something in the post helpful. So there you have it.
On the left is me, in 2013 before the Oz premiere. That’s what I looked like when I was happy and about what I’d like to look like now. On the right is me in 2008, about a year before the Lap band surgery. I still cry when I see that picture and the few others I allowed myself to be in. It’s what I am afraid I am going to look like again.
If you’re interested in reading some posts related to the Lap band, try one of these. Some have photos of my progress.
6 weeks after Lap band surgery
3 month update after Lap band surgery
17 month update after Lap band surgery
21 month update after Lap band surgery
Lung surgery
Day 2 after lung surgery
Draining of the Lap band
Facing an empty Lap band post lung surgery
4 years after Lap band surgery
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{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} I bet you will not have nearly the hard time with the sleeve as what you had with your other surgeries. I know you have other health issues which change it a bit, but I promise when I had mine it wasn’t that bad. Your story WILL help someone who reads – I’m 100% positive! Not everyone will comment, not everyone would send you a private message – but there are so many people, like me and you, who struggle with weight and these issues. You know that talking to (or reading) about others in the same struggle helps you feel better and not alone. I’m here for you!!!!!!!!
I want to give you a big hug! Weight issues are a big struggle for many of us and it’s kind of you to share to help others.
You look amazing! Thanks for sharing your story and for helping others along the way!
I lost a ton of weight, but was able to do it the hard way. The thought of surgery scared me too much. You are very brave.
Trust me. There’s nothing easy about having bariatric surgery. It’s a tool to help. It does not do all of the work. Every way to lose weight successfully is the hard way.
I really applaud you sharing this story. I think weight loss is great no matter how you get there, but there are some snobby people out there who think it doesn’t count if you didn’t “work” for it. Guess what? Living on an all liquid diet for weeks and throwing up if you eat too much IS work.
I big pink puffy heart you.
Good for you! Your before and after pictures are amazing! Don’t cry when you see that old picture! You were still the same awesome chick you are right now!
You have to do what’s right for you. I don’t blame your family for being worried, but in the end, you have to do what makes you happy. At the end of the day, what makes you happy is going to be what makes them happy. Good luck!
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles and wins with us. Losing weight is never easy so I applaud your hard work.
The lap band seems to have made a huge difference. I’m sorry to hear that your appetite has returned. It must be such a challenge.
Challenge doesn’t even begin to describe it. It’s a battle and I’m getting my butt kicked royally.
I commend you for being brave and wanting to share your personal story about your health with us <3 I have wondered about the pros and cons of something like a lapband or gastric sleeve, and I appreciate you taking the time to write about your experience and your opinions on the matter.
Oh love. We are kindred spirits fighting for our kids… and we neglect ourselves. You are on a road… and it is rocky and sometimes we get lost because the signage is shitty and the lighting is dim. But you will find a way. I send my love and prayer to you and hope that this feeling passes and you find the right road again. You will get there. You are beautiful- no matter what you see.
I have followed both you and Robyn for some time. I remember reading Robyn’s story and thinking that it couldnt have been an easy thing to write or reveal. You see, the world is a cruel place as you know , and some judge by looks and they look down their noses at folks who arent a size 0.
I think you are brave for writing this, and even braver to be willing to go through a surgery to get your life back on track and back where you feel you should be.
For every person that writes about this, there are people who are helped. I find it this “my appetite had returned. And it returned with a vengeance. It was like that commercial “and she tells two friends, and she tells two friends, and so on and so on.” so particularly, brutally honest it hurts my soul to know you are in so much pain.
You will succeed. Thank you for writing this, there are so many who struggle every. single. day.
First I’m glad you’ll be healthy. Second you know I’ll never judge a soul so no worries there. I think you should do what you want to do. Being morbidly obese isn’t fun or comfortable for anyone. It’s no life to live, that much is sure. <3
Lee
What a roller coaster ride of emotions and heartache! I hope this new road works out perfectly for you!
Good luck with this next step in your journey. It’s hard when you don’t have the full support of family but you have to do what you believe is best for your body, health and future.
First off let me just say you are beautiful despite what the scale says. It is what is on the inside vs the outside. BUT I do understand your struggles and not wanting to gain weight and such, I have gained a lot over the past few years and it is hard and I finally started losing some. I think for you it is your choice on what you do, and you know it will be a journey, and I pray that if you do the surgery you can have no complications. It is really hard, and I would just pray on it, and I really feel that either way as long as you feel confident in your decision your family will help you through whatever you decide. Bless your heart, you have had a rough go for sure!
What a fun linky theme. I will have to add to it!
Wow, how scary. I struggle in my own way with weight so I can understand how you feel, a little bit. I hope you get the answers you need from the new dr.
Wow you have been threw so much. I hope you are able to go ahead with the surgery and you heal well.
I always support you and the right for you as an adult to make your own decisions. get all the information from a variety of experts, weigh it, then decide yourself.